am i able to forgive myself for lugging home a stack of notes from work to read up on in one of my super-zealous moments, and yet i’ve spent the last 2 hours surfing aimlessly on the interwebs?
ok ok i will start in half an hour! but not before i write something here.
i had a silly 2-week epiphany leading up to yesterday which resulted in this:
2 weeks ago, realizing that my first ever round of logbook reports were due in end of this month, accounting for 3-4 months of report writing. well, oops. guess who hasn’t started writing?
writing (and learning how to even write) 4 months worth of logbook reports in 2 days wtf
and then having to chase up my supervisor (my super scary boss) for a whole 7 days to read through it and approve
and get him to finally read - after 7 days of waiting in anticipation - and to tell me how everything is in his words ‘totally wrong’ and made me amend everything in one evening. ok that’s not what i got him to do but it’s what happened (total exaggeration la!!! i just made technical errors but he just made it sound like i had no hope in this world wtf)
and then having to wait the entire morning - the morning before i had to rush off to get my advisor to sign it off as well - only for him to finally, finally reread and sign it off at the same time i was meant to meet my advisor. my advisor is a nice person but she is not one person you want to mess around with omg why do i play with fire???
rush like a madwoman to get my advisor to read and sign off too. so super buay paiseh even have to get her to do this during a training workshop!
rush back to hand signed forms into the registration office.
so…that was my super suay week. sigh.
i also have a staff appraisal tomorrow. my first ever staff appraisal in my life… i sure hope it’s not a firing squad although someone jokingly said that it is an opportunity for management to sit me down and tell me how much i suck.
oh, the trifle things i can do with free time! having been sucked into an arterial flow of work for a while i’ve become almost bereft of my personal space and time. you know you’re really going through autopilot productivity mode when when you are almost disengaged with everything that goes on around you except for whatever you have on your plate, you start talking in bullet points, emails and text messages recede into a trickle of often-curt one liners, when you get visibly upset when you just missed a train with a frequency of five minutes and less, when as much as you try not to you still get sidetracked so many times by many things when trying to do something in one go (such as writing this post)…and the list can go on.
yeah, that has been me. autopilot mode is not very feasible in the long run, and so is this frenetic lifestyle.
so here’s a proper post about life and such! sort of.
not too long ago i vented my frustrations here about being in limbo with things, and i was at that time incubating a work-life schedule and experimenting with new things (which i was also trying to fast-track) and not seeing anything particularly rave-worthy. even if they were in the end, they did not happen fast enough. on the other hand i was worried about how this pernicious working culture seemed to be chiseling away at the set of personal codes and systems i built myself on.
if there was any take-home lessons from this exercise, they are about 1) being patient, for things take time, 2) not watching grass grow, 3) doing things in sequence and not in simultaneity, 4) the need to take some time off to sayang myself, and 5) maintaining healthy and meaningful relationships with people amidst the cray cray times.
anyway, fast forward to today and i occasionally find myself suffering from whiplash, be it from raking up a stupid amount of OT or running between events and my commitments outside of work. but for the most part i am thriving from the energy i get out of this whole running around. it is quite a weird thing you know - expending energy to get more energy.
as a person who is still coming to terms with post-university life and her mid-twenties (and that now she has to behave like an adult, say what?) i find myself shape-shifting between the self-responsible and stable asian archetype and my 17-year old barefooted self with thoughts of spontaneously breaking out into song and dance in the middle of maxwell. by that i mean throwing caution to the wind and just do whatever and make do. cultivating one’s self-identity is hard work.
but if it helps, i still have a few constants in my life. i have a rotating desktop background with pictures of cats photoshopped on buildings at work. i still love food; i spend frugally on food these days but i will never turn down desserts.
ending this abruptly because it is past my bedtime. yes, i now have actual bedtime hours! i am getting old.
Is when I come across people of my age or younger, barely north of 20 years of age, who are construction workers in my country. Being born at the short end of the stick and shipped into menial tasks, and the sacrifices they make for their families at the expense of themselves. To be stigmatized and quarantined away from the rest of society. To fear their employers, too afraid to seek medical help for they might get sent home.