september / i am actually lucky.
i simply, cannot, bring myself to be productive past 11pm these days. which is exactly why i’m here again instead of actually decimating the backlog of work that haunts me to no end and sorting out my life. i guess that counts towards one of the depressing things about getting older, along with my increasing reluctance in getting out of bed and out of the door, and that i no longer like chasing after the bus.
asides that, i think it has been a very good year overall. leading a lean and efficient lifestyle has its benefits; i am only thankful for a just-fucking-do-it attitude that is currently kicking my ass through the days, especially painfully mundane ones. and while most people don’t know it i hate being unproductive - and i would hate myself immensely if i knew i was.
it’s going to be as inflated as it can get and i’m not the type of person who promulgates in hyperbolic fashion, but i will say it anyway: i have evolved so much in my nine months being overseas, beyond my own scent. in part it’s the hostility and competitiveness within the asian context that makes one typically hardline utilitarian - for here, time is not money, it is everything.
this motivation to get out and just do things was also has to do with setting clearer goals and sticking to them. often i set those goals slightly out of my reach, and the exhaustive amounts of energy and resources invested into the process of realizing them were at my own expense. with the exception of some down time this week, i have to admit i have been overworked and sleep deprived.
but it was in this process of goal-scoring - scored or not - where i evolved pretty fast. to my disbelief i get things done on time, if not in advance. my agenda is even more beefy and dense than when i was in uni, except that on the contrary i am improving on my punctuality! like, say what?
the past few months i also hoped for several things. and in a stroke of fair luck other prospects presented themselves in quick succession - and with them came the opportunity to test my juggling skills since i had such a hard time saying no to things. those initial feelings of excitement and thankfulness were initially quickly displaced with constant anxiety and stress knowing that the onus is on me to make it work. and i wore that aura of negativity and self-doubt for a while, which i’m sure didn’t make me good company to be around!
i’m well aware that so much unchecked adrenaline can trigger a bad temperament with anything that somehow impedes that need for speed. i get annoyed easily these days. those people standing in the middle of moving escalators, laidback front counter staff who take their time dealing with enquiries. people who use their own time to meddle with your own time. rather, what scares me is how much of those feelings translate into visible actions and having little reservation about doing so. this year i’ve walked out midway through things, yelled at people more than ever, and blatantly ignored others, among the various asshole-ish things i never knew i was capable of.
i think there was also a point where i felt rendered unable to feel or express how i feel - and more often i found i had almost forgotten that i am also entitled to feel! likewise, on my grouchy, cynical days i felt like the perfect medium for people to vandalize with all their own assumptions. maybe most people are not as stoic and guarded as i am, to not like small talk and give my position away easily.
i was actually feeling quite down and dissatisfied with several issues the past month, but it was only in this month and week - my birthday week! - that i afforded some alone-time, in a very long time, to re-evaluate. admittedly those alone-times should be conducted more frequently since they serve as timely checkpoints in the grand scheme of things before getting way too ahead of oneself. what i got out of it was realizing that i am actually very lucky,
career wise, i’m lucky to be in a good firm and a great project with some good publicity and a lot to learn from. combined with other money-making avenues i am earning an enviable salary, more than i had actually planned to earn this year, or had thought of for my age and experience. i have some very cool mentors and a lot of things to look forward to.
health-wise, my immune system remains better than expected; i nearly fell sick last fortnight from a month of freaking out over things and forgetting to get enough rest, but bounced back fast. to date i haven’t had to take any medical leave (and i hope i’m not jinxing it!)
diet-wise, i can still afford to eat with wild abandon even though i’ve not exercised in two months. it also happens to be mooncake season time and boy, a feisty metabolic rate is offsetting my one-mooncake-a-day regiment. even with my consistent neglect of my body, it has remained rather benign.
social-wise, i am thankful for the handful of close knit relatives and friends i can count on and have meaningful conversations with. on top of that, lucky to be able to still find time out of a crazy schedule to catch up!
there are, of course, a shit-tonne of things i could and should be better at, but i will leave it to my now 25-year-old self to deal with that. :)
onward and forward!